I wake on the morning of January 12th and I wonder how it is only January 12th? I feel like the last 9 days have lasted a lifetime. This was the morning that all of my appointments started. The next 2 weeks flew by....port installation surgery, heart scan, bone scan, oncology appointment, oncology class, CT scans, MRI's, surgeon meeting and genetic testing. I have literally never been to so many appointments in my whole life. I just wanted the appointments to end so chemo could begin. I know that sounds weird but I wanted to start so I could finish.
During these weeks, as word spread, my friends and family were the most amazing humans ever....So many visits, so much food, so many gifts, but mostly soooo much love. The absolute hardest part of this all was accepting help. I was always the one helping and giving. I was not used to receiving. Someone told me, "Let people help you"! "They don't know what to do and cooking or doing something for you makes them feel better." I agree with this NOW! At the time you don't want people to "alter" what they are doing because of you. However, now I see that helping makes them feel like they have a small part in your recovery. Now that I am on the other side I see this....I see that people want to help because I want to help.
During these few weeks, as word spread in my small town, people came forward that I have not spoken to in years. Some were friends from afar. Some were people I had just lost touch with and some were not really "friends". Cancer actually made me let go of people maybe I didn't like or understand. I realized that most people truelly care for you and whatever put distance between you and the other person seems insignificant. Cancer actually healed my relationship with a few people and I couldn't be happier about it.
Cancer also allowed me to reconnect with a wonderful lady, who I had not spoken to in years. I had a hard time in the beginning talking to people. This friend, from years past, contacted me and we talked for 2 hours the first time. She had survived breast cancer 5 years prior and gave me the most positive, wonderful insight. She was postive, honest and helpful in everything she did and said. She did not have the same type of cancer as me but she had the experience and I needed her insight.
As I stated above my appointments took over my life. Work kept me balanced. My students, training for healtcare, kept my appointments in their calendars and made sure I was going to each one(LOL). My friends kept things light hearted and fun. My family was with me every step of the way. My husband went to every appointment. My friends and other family wanted to take me but he would not allow it. He said it was his place and he wanted to be with me.💓
I put on a brave face. Never crying, never negative, always smiling. Until I walked into the kitchen the Saturday, before chemo started, the following week. It was January 15, 2022. My strong, handsome husband was sitting at the kitchen table and I seemed to be crying. I said "oh no, what is wrong" ? He looked at me and said, "I don't know if I can be strong enough for you.....I don't know if I can be as strong as you"? It was at that moment we both cried together!! It was awful and beautiful at the same time. It was real, raw and human. After that day we never addressed us being "STRONG ENOUGH" or if we could make it through. We just did. We leaned on each other. Loved each other and were there for each other. Often times no one remembers that the spouse has the hardest time. Everything and I mean everything falls on them. They are truelly the most selfless people in all of this. He will forever be my hero!!!
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